Motherhood and the Modern woman - How close is this relationship?

Let’s begin :

I have lived through my fair share of girl relationships. Let’s be honest - if you are a 30 something-year- old woman in Bombay, chances are you have collected a small civilization of them too. Whether it’s work colleagues, college friends, school friends, travel buddies, drinking buddies and workout gang.

There will be hundreds of relationships that you cultivate - sometimes for the sake of social obligations, sometimes because of lack of options and sometimes in those rare moments - by choice.

But, the close relationships are different and you know it - you feel special when you talk to them, your words flow easier, the drinks go smoother and at the end of it - the world seems just a tad bit better. Those are the relationships you keep the closest to your heart.

I have been lucky enough (thu thu) to have two of these in my life. I did not find these relationships in the midst of a crowd.

We were fortunately born into these. And whilst we have grown up together - lived very similar lifestyles, same values, equal admiration for Rajma Chawal, pretty much shared each other’s thoughts practically to a point where if you put us in a room - you would easily be able to make out that we are sisters.

But even, amongst the three of us - the idea of motherhood seems to be very different.

Occasionally on one of those warm Bombay nights while we share a bottle of a crisp red on my 1st-floor balcony (Bombay-sized balcony - where you can fit in two chairs and let’s face it, the third person is sitting on the washing machine) - we sometimes talk to each other about motherhood.

Do we want to raise kids ?

Do we know how much schooling costs ?

Does life really change after having kids ?

Do we actually want to clean poop-layered baby bums ?

Do they fit our career paths ?

Are we financially ready ?

And the most uncomfortable question of all time - the one we dare not say out loud : Do we see ourselves as mothers ?

Himali, the eldest who is the actual adult is completely against the idea. She has accepted that she and her husband even though love kids - they have mutually decided that it’s not for them. There is something wonderfully uncomplicated about the certainty with which she says it.

She isn’t defensive.

Just simply : This isn’t for us. And that’s beautiful in itself.

Me, a fertility specialist - who has in-depth knowledge about what happens to a women’s fertility with age- is still in the middle. How ironic. My husband, meanwhile, is extremely enthusiastic about food and kids - in no particular order.

What’s my relationship ? For now my answer is : I don’t know yet.

On the most random Thursday, I often find myself wondering -

Do I want them ? Do I not ?

Should I freeze and keep them in case I change my mind ?

If I do have a child - exactly how much time will I want to actually spend raising him/her ?

How much will my body change ?

They say : Motherhood is the hardest thing you will do but it will also be the most rewarding.

What if, once I am in it - I don’t feel the latter half of the sentence ?

These are not elegant questions, however, they are all fair questions that run through my mind.

And, Niharika the youngest - is the most certain she wants two (after she finds the perfect man to have them with, ofcourse). She wants a boy and a girl. Sooner rather than later. And she wants to be present there for each and every moment of their lives. Lunches, birthdays, recitals, drop-offs. You name it.

So, here we sit - cramped up I must add : One who doesn’t want children. One absolutely does. And one who has no clue.

Naturally, like any other smart 30-year-old women, we have tried resolving this logically.

We have argued back and forth - trying to convince one another that if one has a kid- it will need a cousin otherwise how will the child develop a personality.

But at the end of the day, it always boils down to - three similar environments giving rise to three very different thought processes and the acceptance of one another’s choices - because your choice has to make sense to only you in the end.

Wonderfully privileged ideology.

But, will it be accepted in rooms larger than ours?

It’s commonly stated that - women nowadays are spoilt silly with choices.

True, but I find the way we talk about it intriguing.

Particularly because women who don’t want children are still frequently treated as though they have misunderstood the pertinent question.

Sophie Calle’s first artwork came out in 1979. Thirty-nine years of exemplary art later, in 2018, she was described as 'An artist without a child by choice.'

Fascinating, isn’t it ?

Written By : Roopali Sehgal